Voldemort has issues too!
by FaithfulHPReader
Summary: Voldemort pays a visit to his therapist! I know it's short, but if I decide to update it, it will be much longer for each chapter! :D PREPARE FOR EXTREME OOC-NESS! JUST A LITTLE WARNING! xD
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer_ - I don't own Harry Potter, blahblahblah, I wish I did, but I don't. : (

**Author's Note - **This is just a little thing I thought about and decided to post up on here. :D

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"Ok, Voldy. Now, please tell me, why did you kill your pet cat?" Parker Billings asked.

"IT'S THE DARK LORD! **THE DARK LORD!!!** HOW DARE YOU CALL ME OTHERWISE?!?!" Voldy yelled, his pale skin flushing with a light purple tinge. "And I killed Mr. FuzzyFace because he killed my pet mouse, Mr. SqueakerPaws. Whom I also killed."

Parker sighed, "And why did you kill Mr. SqueakerPaws?"

Voldy's purple tinge changed to a light pink, "Err, he ate my last piece of cheese AND I COULDN'T MAKE MY FAMOUS YUMMY-SANDWICH!!!"

Parker shook his head, _'I am soo not being paid enough for this.' _Wormtail had given him 2,000 Galleons per session to talk to Voldy, Wormtail was sick of having to deal with his ranting.

Rubbing his temples, Parker looked at Voldy, "It is not okay to kill for no good reason, Voldy."

"Well, err, uhm, uhh, YOUR MOM!"

"Wha--"

"YOUR FACE!!"

"Vol--"

"YOUR FUZZY PINK BUNNY SLIPPERS!!"

Clamping his hand over Voldy's mouth, Parker finally got a word in. "Voldy, it is **not** okay to kill people or animals. Repeat after me, 'I will not kill innocent creatures for fun.'"

Voldy mumbled incoherently, trying to get Parker's hand off of his mouth. When Parker removed his hand, Voldy took a deep breath, "I will kill innocent creatures for fun."

"No, Voldy." Parker glared at Voldy, "Say it right."

Voldy sighed, "Fine, _I will not kill innocent creatures for fun._" he said in a mocking tone.

"Good," Parker said in an even tone. "I think we've really progressed today. I'll see you tomorrow, Voldy. 3 o'clock sharp."

Voldy smiled sweetly, "Bye, bestest buddy!" He skipped off giggling.

By the time Voldy left the building, well, let's just say that he had used the Killing Curse twenty-seven times and _The Therapist's Office_ was severly understaffed.

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**Author's Note - **Well, what do you think? Lemme know if I should update or keep it as a one-shot. :D


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note – **Yes, I'm back! Hey, SPOILER FOR THIS CHAPTER (written backwards so people who don't want to don't automatically read it on accident): .yrasseccen s'ti tub ,yrroS !daeha gnihsab yrraH_

_So yeah, enjoy!_

Voldemort skipped happily into Parker Billings's office at 3 o'clock sharp the next day, nearly giddy seeing as he had just finished his most recent killing spree. _That'll teach those Walmart employees to not laugh at his, _The Dark Lord's_, purchases, _he thought, grinning happily down at his new bright pink tutu (It had been on sale and he absolutely _adored_ it!). His skipping, and his lovely mood, stopped abruptly when he saw who else currently inhabited the room.

"You!" he screeched, yanking his wand from the pocket of his robes. "Avada Kedavra!"

He stared, dumbfounded, as his wand failed to emit the jet of green light that would end the life of his sworn enemy.

"I said: AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA-FREAKING-KEDAVRA DAMMIT!" he screeched yet again, waving his wand wildly.

It was then that he noticed that the wand he was angrily jabbing about was pink, sparkly, and had a star at the end that was currently lit up and playing some absurd song about love, rainbows, and joy. Voldy, of course, could not help himself from swaying to the pretty music as he stowed away his other new purchase and began frantically checking his pockets for his real wand, to no avail.

"See? He always does this to me!" Harry Potter sobbed from his face down position on the fluffy couch by Parker's desk. "Always trying to kill me, or hurt my friends, or...or-or steal my last chocolate frog! It's just not fair!"

"I know, Harry. It'll be okay, I promise," Parker said solemnly, laying a comforting hand on the distraught "boy-who-lived"'s shaking shoulder. A grin spread across his face, "You and Voldy are going to talk about your _feelings!_ Isn't that just dandy?"

The Golden Boy just sobbed harder in response, and Voldy looked up with a murderous look on his face (well, a scarier one than usual), abandoning his hopeless task.

"You want _me_ to talk about my _feelings_ with that pathetic little puddle?" Voldy growled. "_Before I've even had my pretty pink cupcake?"_

Voldy stomped his feet and fell to the ground, hopelessly slamming his fists onto the bright orange carpet, screaming, "I WANT MY CUPCAKE I WANT MY CUPCAKE! GIMME MY FREAKING CUPCAKE!"

"Well, yes..." Parker began. Thankfully, Voldy's tantrum and the angsty teenager's sobs were interrupted by a light tapping at the window.

Opening the window with a sigh, the distressed therapist let a scrawny owl into the office and snatched a note that read, "_Figured you could use an extra. Thanks for the help! -WT" _in a messy scrawl from its leg. The owl struggling with the weight, dropped a pink cupcake in front of Voldy's screaming face, and a black one on the "boy-who-cried"'s messy head of hair.

Harry raised his head from the couch, cupcake balanced precariously, as Voldy began munching happily on his own. Retrieving the cupcake from his mess of tangles (struggling to hold back a sob at the thought of the frosting currently sticking to his "lovely locks"), he glared at the dessert.

"Black and angsty—JUST LIKE MY LIFE!" he proclaimed before shoving the cupcake into his mouth and all over his face. "Oooh! Sprinkles!" he exclaimed happily, oblivious to the frosting covering his face (even, oddly enough, his scar-ridden forehead).

Both "men" having finished their respective cupcakes, Parker said, "And now our session begins." he turned to the tear stained face of the one and only Harry Potter. "Harry, please begin."

"WAIT!" The Dork Lord interrupted, whining. "Why does _he_ get to go first?"

"Because I said so!" parker said, oh-so-maturely. "Now, harry, what exactly did Voldy do to you over the years?""He-he tried to kill me. Oh, yeah, well, after he killed my parents. And then he tried to kill me again! And the next year he came back as a ghosty-Horcruxy-thing and was mean to me! Oh, and he also tried to kill me best, and far inferior, friend's super hot sister, but enough about her, this is about _ME_! He-he emotionally abused me! And I got hurted by this big evil snakey thing! Can you believe it? And then-"

"He tried to kill you?" Parker interrupted smoothly. "I'm beginning to see a pattern here. Voldy, why on earth would you do such terrible things to this poor, poor child?"

Said child was just now recovering from being interrupted while talking about himself. _How dare he?_ Harry pouted on the couch, missing the attention.

"He was mean to me! They said he'd become all strong and stuff and try to kill _ME!_ It was just self-preservation! He mad the body I was, uhhh, _borrowing_ crumble and die! It was, like, sooo unfair! I mean, sure, I tried to kill him, but he killed my giant evil snakey thing!" Voldemort's voice lowered to a a pain filled whisper, "He-he was my best friend." Voldemort began to sob loudly, emitting sorrowful screams every few seconds.

Despite his client's distraught state, a slightly-evil-looking grin spread across Parker's face. "I know just what you two need to do..." Both faces turned towards him.

"You guys just need to jug it out!"

With a look of apprehension, Voldy walked toward the "boy-who-stood-up-from-the-couch." In a surge of emotion, both "men" pulled the other close and cried into each other's shoulders.

—20 MINUTES LATER—

Both emotional wizards continued to hold on to the other, crying their eyes out, Even Parker had joined the hug at some time and was now hiding his smile.

"It seems my job is done for today," he said. "Goodbye, Harry. And Voldy, don't forget, same time on Monday. Another guest will be here for you to resolve your issues with. Goodbye and have a nice weekend!"

The "men" separated and Voldy nodded, wiping the snot from his snake-like nostrils.

For the first time in years, Voldy felt no need to kill. That is, until the stepped out from the building. That stupid, good-for-nothing pigeon pooped on the WRONG guy, and Voldy would make sure that ALL pigeons, all over the world, would pa for such a heinous crime. What a nice weekend it did turn out to be...

But that's another story...

_**Author's Note – **Now, my lovelies, a vote. First choice, another VHIT chapter. Second choice, Voldemort's pigeon hunt (oneshot). Third choice, an update on one of my stories of your choice (for this one to win, it has to be the SAME story being requested that has the highest amount of votes). Okay, that's it, I guess. ADIOS! AND REVIEW!_


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